JOKES "r" US

I have a pet rooster.
You have a pet mule.
what do you get when your mule eats the feet off my rooster?

What?


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

Spoiler:

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

Spoiler:

2 feet of my cock in your ass

lmfao!!!!

lmao!!!! nice

OMG
lmfao

Men are like department stores.... their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like vacations.... they never seem to be long enough.

Men are like computers... hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.


A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom... so the man stands up to let her out.

She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom.

She returns again, and immediately sneezes, excusing herself to go to the bathroom.

The man, a little tired of jumping up so often...asks her: "You keep sneezing, what's the problem?"

The woman replies: "I have a rare condition...every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."

He says, "Oh... what are you taking for it?"

She says: "Pepper."

LMAO

ok time to have a go at blondes now



What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever!
--

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.
--

What do you get when you cross a blonde with a gorilla.

Its hard to tell cos there is only so much you can get a gorilla to do
--

What does a blonde and a computer got in common?

You dont know what they mean to you until they go down on you.

ok, a little scotish lad & lass were walking down the road.
the lass stops & says " hey lad, would ya like to hold my hand?"
the lad says " eye lass, how'd ya know?"
"by the twinkle in your eye", she says
(walking & holding hands)

she stops & asks " hey lad, would ya like to kissss me?"
"EYE LASS!, how'd ya know?"
she says, "by the twinkle in your eye."
(walking,holding hands & kissing)

she stops him, swings him around!!!! & says " hey lad, would ya like to make LOVE with me?"
he says, "EYE LASS!!!!, how'd ya know? by the twinkle in my eyes?"
she says, "NAH lad, by the tilt in your kilt !!"

lmao

i always liked that 1

He said. . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . . Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said . . . Well, you succeeded!

He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . . I would but you're never there.


traveller knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed. Minutes passed and nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.

"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"
---

lmao

i like the he said/she said things

so do I and wish I could remeber where they came from. Im sure there are some the other way around.

SUPERMARKET SURROUND SOUNDS

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to
Keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of
Distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the
Scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the
Air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

lmfao

umm I posted a joke and then thought twice about it but couldnt remove it. i also didnt know how to do the spoiler thing please remove this post.

no1 else has anymore jokes?

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'


Two Blondes With Hammers... Carol and Donna, were doing some carpentery work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss
it over her shoulder or nail it in. Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?' Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.' Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for
the other side of the house!'

O. . M. . .G hahahahahaha!

now I have some more jokes but they get worse and worse and im not sure how much you want here. But for now -

Men are like coffee.... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like horoscopes.... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like plungers... they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like cement.... after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.


A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.

"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."
---

lmao

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, old retired golfer in his late 60's and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws
open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The Circus Owners jaw is on the floor.. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that damn lion out of the way."



Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart,only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

lmfao

im a mechanic!

OMG thats funny

yeah & people have spooked me while under a car & ive hit my head or various parts before

fairs fair, Ive had a go at men so now for the women


Boss asks secretary *Do you know what the difference is between a Caesar Salad and a blowjob?*

*No*, says the secretary.

*Great, Let's do lunch.* the boss says.


Why are women such bad drives?
Cause there is no road from the bed to the kitchen

why are women feet so small?
So they can get closer to the kitchen bench



Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg. Paddy says "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get my slippers?"
"No bother." Murphy replies, he runs upstairs, there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their bed.
"Hello girls, your dad sent me up here to shag ye both."
"f**k off ya liar." They said.
"I'll prove it." Says Murphy, so he shouts down the stairs. "Both of them Paddy?"
"Of course, whats the use of f**k one."